i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize