Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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