I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
