I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
