I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize