I'm gonna have a badass scar
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
