u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
