Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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