Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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