Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
