I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
