Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
