I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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