Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
