hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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