somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
