lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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