Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
