im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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