The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
