the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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