She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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