I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
