You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
