It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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