just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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