Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
