So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
