not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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