When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
