I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
