I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
