i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
