I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
