Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
