I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
