it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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