but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
