Only a mothe r could love this liver
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
