so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
