it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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