Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize