Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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