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I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
