After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
