Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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