I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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