I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
