His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
