Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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