So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
