Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
ttyl tear gas
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
