My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
