So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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