Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
