1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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