Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
