12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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