Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
