Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
