I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
