I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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