Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize