so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
