i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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