Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
