i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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