why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
