Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Let's get the cat blown out
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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