did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
